I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
