Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
