I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Randomize
