can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
