I wish I could teleport
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
