Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
