she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
i believe in u and ur pee
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