I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
