bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
His hands were made for my vagina.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
