Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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