My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
