He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
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i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
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He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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