Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
