And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
