Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Drunk is a universal language darling
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
