Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
