The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
