I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
