I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
