I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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