Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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