What a fucking waste of an outfit
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
