awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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