Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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