I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
