Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
