When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
