just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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