I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
