i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?