Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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