Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
