so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
