If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
