exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
It was like getting head from an anaconda
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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