I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
