im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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