Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
