i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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