WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
So much Jack, so little girl.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
