i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
