Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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