I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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