you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
