FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
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