your room smells of hookers.
And success
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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