i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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