we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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