Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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