This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
