I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
