Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
