guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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