remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
