I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
