I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
