Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
