Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
