I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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