I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Too much gin, very little bucket
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
