i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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