I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
